NE Fresno – The Fresnan

Northeast Fresno Doesn’t Deserve The New Benaddiction

November 8, 2021November 12, 2021 The Fresnan

Hey, I’m happy for the owners of Benaddiction, getting a new place. A nice big fresh spot. I am sure it will do well. They totally 100% deserve it! They are good folks and worked hard for this.

BUT! (you know there is a ‘but’ coming)

But, it’s kinda fucked up for those of us that live by the NW location. That have been supporting the Bullard & Marks spot all these freaking years.

Braving the long waits and postage stamp sized suite wedged next to a pool supply shop and a Supercuts training center, in hopes of one day raising the stature of the place to a full-sized NW Fresno location.

Finally it happed. Only North EAST Fresno, (the Taint District no less) got the new bigness. It feels like NW Fresno put in the work and NE got the reward.

This is how OG hardcore Green Day and Jawbreaker fans must have felt when the bands signed their first label deal.

No, I won’t be turning my back to them as they play onstage. So, I will still go to the Bullard & Marks location. And love the food.

But I might carry a chip on my shoulder when I do. Maybe mutter under-my-breath “sellouts” as I am getting seated, just to make myself feel better, I guess.

The “Who Made Who” will still taste good, just not as satisfying.

You Lie About Not Going Downtown Because Of Having To Pay To Park.

April 13, 2018April 22, 2018 The Fresnan

img_6815-1024x736 You Lie About Not Going Downtown Because Of Having To Pay To Park.

When talking to North Fresno person, a common statement made is, ”I won’t go down there because you have to pay to park!” I call bullshit. You just don’t want to go.

You don’t want to meet that friend. Don’t want to go to that Grizzlies game. Don’t want to have a beer at HOP PK or Tioga. Admit it. Admit it so we can all go on with our Fresno lives.

So, you really would go to Downtown Fresno if all the parking was free? Interesting. Um, yeah, so if Target or Walmart had parking meters or you had to pay to park in their lot, you wouldn’t go there? Bullshit.

If Pismo’s made you pay for parking you would not go there? Bullshit.

If you had to pay to park at Edwards you would stop going to the movies? Bullshit.

If Save Mart made you… Okay, you get the idea. Bullshit. We are all bullshit. Parking is bullshit. Downtown meter complaints are bullshit. Bull. Shit.

It is just what you do when you live in a city. Can you name a city bigger than Fresno that doesn’t have areas of their downtown pay-to-park? I’ll wait.

And hey, parking in Downtown Clovis is free and it sucks ass trying to find a good space. I usually have to park well away from the dumb Clovis business I am being forced to go to.

Suck it up and feed the meter and shutup about it. #endrant

If you would like to change your North Fresnan Afraid Of Downtown Parking ways, might I suggest having a look at Joshua Tehee’s Downtown Fresno Parking Primer?

It’s Time To Let Northeast Fresno and Fresno Proper Go Their Separate Ways

June 27, 2017November 12, 2021 The Fresnan 41 Comments

First, they felt it necessary to uselessly and embarrassingly insert God into the Fresno Council Chambers. Now, Northeast Fresno has managed to stop California law and the will of the rest of Fresno (well, most of) by getting spineless Fresno City Councilmen to vote no on legal pot.

It’s time we let NE Fresno go, guys.

They don’t really like Fresno and the rest of Fresno doesn’t really like them. It’s like we’re in a relationship that neither wants to be in but both of us are too nice to dump one another. I’ll be the asshole here. “Sorry, Northeast Fresno, it’s not us, it’s you. Can you please find a place to stay tonight?”

Go away, NE. You have way too much power for a bunch of track houses and strip malls.

We don’t need ya and you don’t like going into the Tower District or Downtown anyway. Plus, you don’t even know where Sunnyside is anymore, nor do you even know what we’re up to over in NW Fresno because I see you taking Avenue 9 to go out to Highway 99 and not taking Herndon like you used to.

It’s cool. Just take your stuff and leave.

You can have River Park and Yosemite Ranch. That one Vons. The boring Sequoia’s. The shitty Wassabi’s. We’re good. Except you can NOT have Woodward Park, that has to stay neutral territory.

But What Should We Name NE Fresno?

If you’re no longer going to carry the Fresno name, we have to think up something new for you.

Wishingitwasthefiftiesville? Mostlywhite? Oldpine? Texas?

No, those are terrible. THINK, Fresnan, think…

Ohhhhhh. I know. It’s been hiding there all along: Clovis West. The prominent high school in the area is already named it. It’s all Clovis School District. You all wish you were in Clovis anyway. Let’s do it, it has been decided. The town of Clovis West.

So, take care of yourself, Clovis West. I’m sure we can still be friends. Just don’t stalk us on Instagram, ok?

At Least One Reason To Start Heading To NE Fresno, Right Now!

February 7, 2017February 7, 2017 The Fresnan

Let’s face it. There is not much substance to NE Fresno.

It’s just houses. Churches. Schools that should be in Fresno Unified but are somehow in Clovis Unified. And strip malls – sortaish nice strip malls, but still strip malls.

But there is one cool thing the NE has that all Fresnans can enjoy: Trails.

Trails that are fed by Woodward Park, in fact. River trails. Park trails. Trails along avenues. NE is totally bogarting Fresno’s trails!

I strolled down one, last weekend, and I advise you to get down there right now because it’s pretty and Portland-y and green. It’s all green.

Yo, did you know there is a legit river running along the city limits? Yeah? Well, there is. And things are flowing:

Go check it out. Or just stay in your house and talk about how Fresno sucks.

Alright. I admit it. The NE has one more thing, outside of trails: Fresno’s most elegant bottle shop: The Fort:

Ohhh shit, an Oscar Blues “Pinner IPA” sixer for $4.99. Gotta go find a beer trail.

The River Park Traffic Circle: Fresno’s Lifelong Challenge

May 17, 2016May 17, 2016 The Fresnan 4 Comments

River-Park-Traffic-Circle The River Park Traffic Circle: Fresno's Lifelong Challenge

River Park is 19 years old. Yep, hard to believe. Google said it so it must be true. Love it or hate, it’s a part of us now. All of it.

So River Park is pretty old and we are STILL learning how to maneuver through the damn traffic circle! Really though, when you drive up to it it’s like “Here we go. I wonder what’s going to happen this time.”

PRO TIP #1

Do NOT stop once you are in the traffic circle. Are you in the traffic circle? Good. That’s YOUR traffic circle now. Anybody that tries to come inside it is a trespasser and should yield to your power. They are your bitch.

PRO TIP #2

See pro tip #1. Or in other words: yield to the person already in the traffic circle. Remember, they are your King for the next few seconds and what they say goes.

That’s it. That’s all you need to remember. But if you still need help…

CLASS! Pay attention:

But hey. Don’t feel so dumb, Fresno. We are not the only ones that get confused with traffic circles. At least I’ve yet to see somebody going the wrong way like some dumbass Canadian hoser, ey?:

I’m going to stop there with the traffic circles videos. It can take you down a weird rabbit hold. Like this traffic circle video that’s oddly sensual:

Really I’d like to see everyone just have fun with the River Park Circle. It’s like a ride. Have fun. Just remember to yield when appropriate.

Fresno’s Trader Joe’s Can Sprawl Its Ass To Oakhurst For All I Care

May 10, 2016May 10, 2016 The Fresnan 16 Comments

I guess I’ve bought my last bag of dill popcorn, jar of cookie butter and mystery six-pack of beer at Fresno’s Trader Joe’s.

Just when ya think we’ve stopped the “Move North, Young Fresnan!” movement, Trader Joe’s has decided to take its talents to Friant Road.

This blows kale slaw.

Yes they do have a crappyass parking lot, but that’s no reason to abandon central Fresno. And yes, these days I consider Barstow and Blackstone, Central Fresno.

Now that Joe’s only locations will be Northeast Fresno and North Clovis (in the Taint District), I have no use for it. Fuck ’em. I protest, dammit.

I WILL NO LONGER SPEND MONEY IN TRADER JOE’S

You may find it silly. And Trader Joe’s will care nothing about it. But I have placed them on my BANNED list! That’s right, bro. Banned. Won’t spend money at the new place.

I may not be alone in this tom foolery.

There is a petition going around the local internets to stop this move by TRADER Joe’s. I signed it. Yeah, I know, it probably won’t do anything. But I signed it. You can too. Ey, what the hell!?

And here I was just about to get around to listening to the What’s Good At Trader Joe’s podcast. Now? There is no need.

CENTRAL FRESNO CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS

There’s only so many discount grocery stores, Dollar Stores and Walmarts, South of Shaw can handle.

Downtown and Central Fresno deserves something more.

I think Fresno would and could support both a Central Fresno and NE Fresno location. But, sadly, Trader’s is following the money and cutting ties. There is no heart in business these days, I suppose.

Makes ya wonder, is Whole Foods in Fig Garden Village next? Can’t be. I won’t allow it.

And since Trader Joe’s is spineless, does its copy-cat store, Sprouts, have the balls to open a store South of Shaw? Downtown? I guess we’ll see, but I’m thinking no.

I’LL MISS YOU THE MOST, MYSTERY BEER

Trader-Joes-Mystery-Pack-Beer-e1408028099780 Fresno's Trader Joe's Can Sprawl Its Ass To Oakhurst For All I Care — Photo from victorcaballero.com

Truth is, I choose to regularly burn my money at Whole Foods and Save Mart and only occasionally go into Trader Joe’s. A little bit more since the Blackstone Avenue Vons closed, but not a lot.

So this nerdy banning of Trader Joe’s won’t be that difficult for me, I admit.

I will miss those cheap mystery six packs of beer though.