Culture – Page 13 – The Fresnan

11 Things I’m Thinking While Waiting For My Chipotle Burrito To Be Made

February 12, 2017February 14, 2017 The Fresnan 4 Comments

chipotle-line 11 Things I'm Thinking While Waiting For My Chipotle Burrito To Be Made

Living in Fresno, it always feels so wrong to go to a chain place to get anything Mexican food related. We make viral burritos and we are the Taco Capital of North America, after all.

That said. Chipotle is quick, tasty and consistent. So even us Fresnans get tempted to go in. My dumbass included.

Here are some things that pop into my head while watching my burrito get built – usually at the Fig Garden location:

Oh, this guy again [burrito maker]. He’s cool, makes a good burrito. I wonder if he secretly hates me.
Are they ever going to change this industrial airport hanger look? I still like it okay, just wondering.
It only takes 5 seconds for the burrito maker to forget what meat I want in the burrito. Steak. I said steak.
The cooks seem to have the better gig, meesa thinks. No dealing with us asshole customers asking “Can I have that on the side of… the side and extra of the other thing? Also, no chicken on my chicken burrito, please!”
Is the burrito maker starter person the Top Dog in the restaurant? Like, the job to ascend to? Who is the manager here, because I can’t tell.
I think the guy behind me is trying to intimidate me to order faster by getting in my personal space. Chill out, bro, you’ll get your double white rice when your time comes.
Ha! Corn salsa. Why do people have the corn salsa? WHY!? Such a waist. You totally could of had the good salsa: Pico de gallo. Fun to say, “Picooo de Gallllloooo”.
I still don’t know if I have to pay for the guacamole on the side or is it included since I got a burrito but did not have it actually put into said burrito. Whatever, I’ll pay extra. I pay for extra paper bags all the time, like a boss!
Does anyone actually get a beer here? I’m a heavy beer drinker and I never have. I need to change that. #goals
How do they distribute the tip jar money? Do the cooks get any? Does it go to some sorta fund for an employee pizza party?
The new chorizo meat does not look right.

I would feel a lot better about myself if I exclusively burrito-ed local. But I think the occasional Chipotle visit is here to stay. At least they have a very solid Social Media Manager on Twitter to make me feel a little better:

*photo source.

At Least One Reason To Start Heading To NE Fresno, Right Now!

February 7, 2017February 7, 2017 The Fresnan

Let’s face it. There is not much substance to NE Fresno.

It’s just houses. Churches. Schools that should be in Fresno Unified but are somehow in Clovis Unified. And strip malls – sortaish nice strip malls, but still strip malls.

But there is one cool thing the NE has that all Fresnans can enjoy: Trails.

Trails that are fed by Woodward Park, in fact. River trails. Park trails. Trails along avenues. NE is totally bogarting Fresno’s trails!

I strolled down one, last weekend, and I advise you to get down there right now because it’s pretty and Portland-y and green. It’s all green.

Yo, did you know there is a legit river running along the city limits? Yeah? Well, there is. And things are flowing:

Go check it out. Or just stay in your house and talk about how Fresno sucks.

Alright. I admit it. The NE has one more thing, outside of trails: Fresno’s most elegant bottle shop: The Fort:

Ohhh shit, an Oscar Blues “Pinner IPA” sixer for $4.99. Gotta go find a beer trail.

Breaking: Fresno Man Almost Remembers To Bring Bags With Him Into Save Mart

January 31, 2017February 7, 2017 The Fresnan

I have yet to remember to bring shopping bags in with me when I go grocery shopping. Not once.
Oh I have them in my truck. And I go to a grocery store at least once a week. So I have had MANY chances to remember since the plastic bag ban – a ban I am in favor of, for what it’s worth.

Usual stores I shop at (for no particular reason):

Save Mart on Herndon & Milburn.
Save Mart on Bullard & West.
Save Mart on Ashlan & West.
Whole Foods.
The Market.

Anyway, the other day I actually remembered while I was turning to park. “Bring in your bags” my brain said. So here it is. I have finally remembered. It took three months but I have done it.

Nope.

The 20 or so seconds between remembering and shutting off my vehicle was enough time for me to forget AGAIN.

One day. One day I will remember. Until then I get to act like a rich badass and buy all the paper bags!

Save Mart Checker: “How many bags should I charge you for sir?”
Me: “Four! No, wait, FIVE! That’s right, I’m just too damn important to bring in my own bags.”

Related: How I feel when I forget my bags in Whole Foods:

Top Fresno Street Names

January 17, 2017January 17, 2017 The Fresnan 13 Comments

Yep. This is a real post. The best Fresno street names according to me. Oh, and you will not find “Palmdon” on this list because there is no way that can be a legal name.

So. Take a cool name and add a little city importance, you get this:

Van Ness Extension. Like hell if we’re going to think up a new name. Let’s just slap “extension” on it, even though it’s over a mile away.
West. Because it actually goes North & South.
Ivy League School Series. Yale. Harvard and the other ones and stuff.
Bullard. When you drive through Fresno State’s fields you can go all fast and there is the slight danger of a tractor crossing your path.
Palm. Premier bike lanes in the city – suck it, Brandau.
Shaw. It sounds like something Wayne or Garth says, in place of “AS if!” “ShaWW right.”

via GIPHY

Fulton. Part of the lazy “just use San Fransico street names” series.
Blackstone. It has all the things; even HOOKERS! Wait. Blackstone still has hookers, right?
Fresno. Duh.
Friant. It’s also a dam. It’s dangerous. It totally flooded by Woodward Park the other day.
Weldon. Fun to say. Wel Don. Weldon. Weldadadon.
Fruit. Because fruit is what makes the cash around these parts and I have a totally “legally purchased” Fruit sign on my work bench.

Not making the list is Ashlan, Tuolumne and McKinley, because they are hard to spell.

This Is Not A Local Music Blog

January 3, 2017January 7, 2017 The Fresnan

I miss Audie’s Olympic. Barely seen a band in Fresno since the place begrudgingly closed. I blame Audie’s closing on my lack of seeing local bands play lately, but that is a copout. Still, I miss it.

Yes. Strummer’s is there and still scheduling bands. So is Fulton 55. Frank’s Place does a thing or two, I think. Cool, cool.

There are new local venue things too. Tioga Sequoia Beer Garden has a lot of music. Goldstein’s has music. These are places that were not much of a factor musically when Audie’s was still operating.

And none of these places match up to the true rock club vibe of Audie’s. Nor can they regularly bring to town the kind of shows that Audie’s brought in. Not the touring, fresh, rock bands or mid-level local kind of shows anyway.

What the Fresno Grizzlies are to a professional baseball player, trying to get into the major league’s, Audie’s was to rising touring or local bands.

And, you could just hang out in Audie’s – as long as the style of music was not too grading to you, that is. Just hang and have a beer, sit on a stool, occasionally stop and look to the stage to enjoy a nice set. Didn’t even need to be there with anybody.

NOT THAT THERE IS ANYTHING WRONG WITH A LOCAL MUSIC BLOG

I hesitate to write this post because it personally concerns me. I don’t want to do what I did before and turn the Fresnan into a music blog that is not supposed to be a music blog.

That is what it was when I previously put this blog on ice. Just posts about local shows. Which is fine if you brand yourself a music blog. The Fresnan was not branded as a music blog. I got lazy and complacent.

If you want a local music blog, check out Spanspek or read Joshua Tehee stuff. Do it.

SPEAKING OF LOCAL MUSIC

So Josh Tehee and I just posted a new Flowing With Famous podcast and in it we picked out favorite Fresno music acts of 2016. My pick was The Light Thieves:

Josh picked two. Beastmaker…

…and Sagey. Now Sagey was a new one to me. Josh talked about how these guys have the local buzz right now and I think I get why:

I will keep listening to what Josh has to say about the Fresno music scene because he will find out first when (or maybe if) Audie’s opens again as a new music club.

I might finally be motivated to get back into the local music scene. Maybe see a Sagey show. Sit on a stool.

*I am finally starting up a newsletter. It will augment what you see on The Fresnan with a bent toward local life in general. Sign up below!:

Fresno Stuff To Know At The Thanksgiving Table

November 22, 2016November 24, 2016 The Fresnan 3 Comments

WOW, Beth! This is one year you want to stay WAY THE HELL AWAY from talking politics at Thanksgiving. If the table acts like my Facebook feed, things are going to get real uncomfortable, real quick.

Screw all that mess. Talk about Fresno junk this year. It’s universal and sorta kinda doesn’t matter what party you are mostly down with – I am down with whatever party David Lee Roth is at, in case you were wondering.

Here are some Fresno things to bring up at the turkey table that your Uncle may not have been paying attention to. Or maybe for your friend Jason that is back for the Holiday weekend because he moved away because he blamed Fresno for all his stupid little problems but really you know he is just a whiny lazy conceded dick and would not be happy in any town he lived in but WHATEVER now he moved and thinks his life is SOOOO great but we know that it probably isn’t at least that is what we tell ourselves to feel cool when he tells you how great Los Angeles is and how his job really kicks ass and the girls are amazing and it was the best decision of his life.

Damn you, Jason.

THE FULTON MALL IS NOT A THING

You saw the picture at the top of this post, right? The Fulton Mall is gone, GONE I say! And we are inching closer to Fulton Street with parallel parking – Lord help us.

Speaking of Downtown, a new park is set to open in the Culture Arts District/Muraltown/LoftCity/Uptown, complete with cool lighting:

Culture-Arts-Park-from-Daniel-Draper-1024x683 Fresno Stuff To Know At The Thanksgiving Table — Photo by Daniel Draper

SPORTS

Hey, look! Former Fresno State QB Derek Carr and his smoky version of the Blue Steel look, is on the cover of ESPN the Magazine – that’s something safe to talk about:

derek-carr-854x1024 Fresno Stuff To Know At The Thanksgiving Table

Also, Jeff Tedford is the new head coach of the football team and that’s kinda rad. All the while Pat Hill’s FU-Manchu does radio for ESPN 940. And the basketball team might probably be good again – sadly they are not in town this weekend.

Category: Culture