Whole Foods – The Fresnan

I’ll Get You For This, Whole Foods Fresno

May 24, 2022May 24, 2022 The Fresnan

You mother. fuckers. You did it to me again, Whole Foods Fig Garden. I built my salad only to discover NO FUCKING RANCH?!?!

Are you getting back at me for this post? Is Jeff Bezos so cheap he is instructing you not to put out ranch?!

When you start filling the salad bar in the morning, the first thing you should put out is the ranch. If you don’t have it, put up a sign that says “We are out of ranch. Salad bar closed indefinitely.”

I am putting your salad bar on suspension for the next year. Also, you suck.

Don’t You People Have Homes To Go To?

September 12, 2020September 12, 2020 The Fresnan

I just came back from Fig Garden Village and there are a ton of freaking Fresnans out there!

Wassaaaabi’s? Packed. The patio was full and there were, like, eight people waiting for a table. THIS IS AT 2:45 on a Saturday!

Whole Foods? Packed. Long line to get in and very busy in the store. Like, so busy they might as well have not had a line to get in. It was near impossible to distance from people in there and I don’t think the line outside would have made it much worse. Fuck it, let all in.

I had not been inside Whole Foods since March and I was surprised to find it just as busy (if not more so) than Save Mart. At least Save Mart has more space to keep away from yahoos.

Jack’s Urban Eats? Busy too. wasn’t completely packed but busy and junk. Again, this is 2:45 in the afternoon.

To top it all off, it is smokey as hell. It wasn’t so bad in the morning, but the winds shifted or something and things got nasty.

BUT YOU ALL JUST PACKED OUT THE PARKING LOT PATIO AT OUT OF THE BARREL LIKE NOT A DAMN THING IS GOING ON!

Dude. All the tables at Out Of The Barrel were full. Mostly full of people that are not in a “bubble” together. You could not have fit more people out there. Since everyone is drinking, no masks.

I suppose that’s cool when it’s a handful of people, but this was too much for me brain to bare.

I was going to pick up some beer there but decided to skip it after seeing that.

Maybe a little part of me has respect for people saying, “Fuck it. I don’t care if it’s a Pandemic. I don’t care that the air is shit. I’m going to live my life and if I die, I die!”

But the rest of me? People. Is eating and drinking in a parking lot or smokey patio really all that?

We are never going to get out of this, are we?

Just go home, Fresno.

Fix Your Broke Ass Door, Jeff Bezos

October 1, 2019October 1, 2019 The Fresnan

It’s been, like, two weeks, Whole Foods Fresno. Two freaking weeks I had to walk around to your main entrance instead of walking through this now dysfunctional door.

That extra walking? Not planned!

Like, 20 seconds each way. Since I have had to do it twice, that adds up to 80,000 seconds. Stop making me walk. I already couldn’t park in MY SPOT in the parking lot and now I have to do extra walking. Torture.

Maybe you can search on Amazon for “sliding door parts, retail” or something…. oh wait, would you like to change that door to a Barn Door style? They love that shit on the home-flipping shows:

amazon-sliding-door Fix Your Broke Ass Door, Jeff Bezos

Question: Does Whole Foods have to pay for Amazon Prime to get free shipping or is that a company discount thing?

How about just searching for a local door guy. Let’s look together:

fresno-door-repair Fix Your Broke Ass Door, Jeff Bezos

We have a few possibilities but we may need to find a specialist. These seem like glass dudes. Well, I guess we’re both screwed.

I dunno, man, since Amazon bought Whole Foods, been pretty bad. Rinky dink. Next thing you know you’re going to run out of ranch dressing.

Where To Park At Whole Foods Fresno – The Most Important Blog Post You’ll Read In The Next Five Minutes

September 13, 2017August 17, 2024 The Fresnan 6 Comments

img_2528 Where To Park At Whole Foods Fresno - The Most Important Blog Post You'll Read In The Next Five Minutes

Since Amazon bought Whole Foods, people are a little worried about Amazon taking over all the things. I would be worried too except Wal Mart already did it, so let’s stop freaking out. Maybe focus on stopping Wal Mart and not worry so much about Whole Foods until they are dealt with.

Anywayyyy, the Fresno Whole Foods, located in Fig Garden Village, may not have a top ranking parking lot, but it is an interesting one (and I don’t mean because there is a Weztel’s Pretzels nearby).

I know what you’re thinking “Holy shit, this asshole is going to do another parking related post. What the hell is this site and why am I still here!?”

LOOK, BRO! People like this stuff. It’s like, everyday life and crap. It’s fun.

PARKING LOT BREAK DOWN

I’ll get to my favorite parking spot in a second. But first, the worst place to park? The Main Lot. You could also call this the Western Lot:

IMG_2523-1024x768 Where To Park At Whole Foods Fresno - The Most Important Blog Post You'll Read In The Next Five Minutes

Oh sure, it looks benign now. But it’s tight and super annoying. You know how many Prius you have to avoid in this area? Look, I can see one in that picture already. I never park in this area.

As an extension to this lot, there is the area next to Habit Burger’s patio. I do sometimes park here, but only when going to Habit and not when I am just shopping at Whole Foods.

BETTER SPOTS

I’m not sure I would walk THIS far (even though I am a big advocate of walking instead of driving around searching for the closest spot), but if you’re feeling adventurous and really don’t want to park next to anyone, get out to the North side as it gets closer to the Wassabbi’s parking. No drama out here (except for a dude that can’t park straight):

img_2535 Where To Park At Whole Foods Fresno - The Most Important Blog Post You'll Read In The Next Five Minutes

This one has chargers. And hey, there is even a car getting charged up as we speak. Way to save some air, dude:

img_2531 Where To Park At Whole Foods Fresno - The Most Important Blog Post You'll Read In The Next Five Minutes

While not all of us can park in those particular stalls, I do like that lot to park in. The area closer to the apartments is a good one because it’s not busy.

But it’s not my favorite area to park. In fact, my favorite is not even an area. It’s one parking stall in particular. It even has its own restroom… Read More

Don’t Be Lame, Whole Foods Fig Garden, Fresno Needs This

October 18, 2016October 18, 2016 The Fresnan 2 Comments

The time has come, Whole Foods Fresno. Turn your dumb little cooking demo room into a craft beer bar.

You know the little area, tucked into the corner of the bread department. The one you rarely use for anything – except for what you are using it as now: a backroom for your bread department:

This needs to have beer taps in it, not bread racks.

You may think that a craft beer bar inside a grocery store is not a thing. You would be wrong. It is a thing. In fact, Whole Foods leads the way in grocery store beer bars. They have several.

In fact, the Houston one even has a brewery! And the one down in Del Mar (SD) has really terrible cover bands playing:

https://youtu.be/Fg_Vo8WFolc

Just imagine that inside Fresno’s Whole Foods – only with the Light Thieves playing.

Hybrid drinking holes

This Whole Foods craft beer bar need opens things up to another stellar idea.

On The Perfect Pour we somewhat jokingly floated the idea of having a beer bar inside a hardware store and also how there are not enough sandwich shops with beer.

This is a good start. I wouldn’t mind having a beer with my Gino’s sub. But what other Fresno places could use some beer?

Since a CSU rule prevents Bulldog Stadium from selling beer, that one stays off the list. Also, hair salons recently got the ok to serve alcohol [legally], so that’s taken care of.

With that, here are some ideas to spice up some local places with a beer bar:

Jury Duty. Yeah you might get more people to actually show up if there was the promise of one free beer (or wine) per day. Mmmmm, Goverment beerrrr.

Pep Boys. Just using Pep Boys as a place holder, it could be any mechanic in town. I would actually get my oil changed at the mileage Jiffy Lube suggested if I knew I could have a hoppy pale while waiting.

Costco. It would be cheap, as long as you bought two gallons at a time. … on second thought: fuck this. I don’t want to go into Costco any more than I have to.

So lets get that beer bar going, Whole Foods Fresno! Hurry, before Pottery Barn beats you to it.

If you have a suggestion for a place in Fresno that could use a beer & wine bar, leave it in the comments!