Fresno. The Peaches Are Coming. Send Help.

The Fresnan
peaches-1024x768 Fresno. The Peaches Are Coming. Send Help.
Peach Tree Fresno

If you have access to dirt in Fresno and don’t have some sort of fruit tree planted, then you’re a piece of shit.

You live in the most grow-ready soil in the world and you have no fruit? Shame. Shame. Shame.

I have a peach tree. I also have a grapefruit tree but nevermind that now.

I need help with this peach tree. And I’m relying on the knowledge of Fresno, THE GREATEST AG CITY IN THE WHOLE FUCKING WORLD, to help me.

I may have too many peaches. The Internet says I need to thin it out. And that’s what I’m doing. It feels like this is going to work. But every year I try things that I “feel are going to work” and I screw it up.

YEAR ONE
I did nothing but buy the house at the right time and inherit the tree during peach season. It was perfect. Lots of gorgeous tasty peaches and all the right size.

YEAR TWO
I pruned back the branches in February and ended up getting big peaches but not even enough to even fill a Save Mart grocery bag.

YEAR THREE
I pruned back half the branches. I got a ton of peaches but they were small and kind of lame. Only good for tossing at school children passing by.

YEAR FOUR
That’s this year. I left the old tree alone and there are a grip (I’m trying to bring back “grip” as a unit of measurement) of peaches. Too many. I suspect I will get another batch of throwing size peaches. So I’m thinning in hopes this will help. And I’ll be watering more. IN A VERY RESPONSIBLE WAY, CITY OF FRESNO, if you’re reading this.

I think I need a “peach tree guy”. I just wish I knew a Masumoto:

Isn’t David the fucking cutest? The Masumotos are the local Peach Whispers. Help me Masumoto. You’re my only hope.

Now about that grapefruit tree…

grapefruit-tree-1024x768 Fresno. The Peaches Are Coming. Send Help.

Is a grapefruit still good if it’s been hanging on the tree for a couple of years? Dammit. Now I gotta get a “grapefruit guy”.

5 Worthless Salad Toppings At Fresno’s Whole Foods

The Fresnan 1 Comment

WHOLE-FOOD-SALAD-BAR-FRESNO 5 Worthless Salad Toppings At Fresno's Whole Foods

This is going to offend you. One of your favorite salad fixings is going to get dumped on. I’m sorry, but I must keep it real. Blogger code and all.

So hold on to your croutons, here are my 5 Most Worthless Whole Foods Fresno Salad Bar Choices:

5.WHATEVER THIS WAS:

whatever 5 Worthless Salad Toppings At Fresno's Whole Foods

You gotta figure it was something good since it is empty. But I bet it sucked.

4.TIE: BROCCOLI & PEAS. No. Just, no. I’m a grown adult and I no longer have to eat my broccoli or peas (like I ever did), let alone willfully pay to put it on my salad.

3.THIS JUNK:

junk 5 Worthless Salad Toppings At Fresno's Whole Foods

Alright so this stuff may not technically be part of the salad toppings. Controversial pick for sure. But I’ve seen people put this crap on their salads so it totally counts.

2.RED ONIONS CABBAGE:

RED-ONION 5 Worthless Salad Toppings At Fresno's Whole Foods

It’s just used for color and you don’t need a build-a-salad to look pretty. It’s a salad that YOU made, it just needs to be functional. The salad is riding in a barely functional cardboard box. It’ll look like crap once it finishes your journey home anyway.
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Let California High Speed Rail Build Those Underpasses, Fresno

The Fresnan 2 Comments

High-Speed-Rail-construction-at-Herndon Let California High Speed Rail Build Those Underpasses, Fresno
High Speed Rail Construction at Herndon & 99
Thinking differently about California High Speed Rail might be in order if you are in Fresno and don’t want it.

It’s pretty damn confirmed that at all the major intersections the High Speed Rail crosses in Fresno, they will be building an underpass or overpass for cars (geez I’ve been really car posting lately). Those overpasses include the Union Pacific tracks it twinsies with through Fresno.

That’s right. No more trying to beat the train at Herndon. Or being super dorky and complaining about a stopped Union Pacific train at Shaw Ave:

twitter-rage Let California High Speed Rail Build Those Underpasses, Fresno

So if you’re in Fresno and think the California High Speed Rail is dumb, shut your damn face about it until the suckers build those sweet overpasses and underpasses. Yeah I may sound weird but underpasses are nice. I hear that’s what the Herndon one will be.

I’m thankful every time I go under the Sante Fe tracks at Marks & Shaw. Yes, children, there used to be a train crossing at Shaw and Marks and Marks didn’t even go through. You had to do this weird little road back out to Shaw then around and then… *SMH* it…it was a whole thing, okay?!

If you’re still not convinced every Fresnan needs to get behind High Speed Rail (at least until they are done with Fresno section) let’s think about this: They are already moving Highway 99 over 100′ to make room the those quick-ass trains. If you haven’t driven through that section of 99 lately, this is what’s happening:

Yep that’s some serious shit. Guys, we really don’t want California to figure out that this whole High Speed Rail thing is a BOONDOGGLE and say to themselves “Fuck this is crazy. Are we really going to spend this much money and move all this crap just to put the train tracks in? Meh. Forget this noise. HEY GUYS! PACK IT UP, WE’RE HEADING HOME!”

If they did that we would have a bunch of half-built things and torn down buildings. Fresno doesn’t need more of these.

Too much earth has been moved. It’s time to get fully behind High Speed Rail in in the Valley, even if it’s just Madera to Fresno and doesn’t make us a commuter city for the Silicon Valley.

Let them build it. I want that sweet underpass action.

Flowing Into Fresno Districts – Flowing With Famous Podcast #R62

The Fresnan
flowing62 Flowing Into Fresno Districts - Flowing With Famous Podcast #R62
Fulton Street Fresno

CLICK AND LISTEN: BieberStreetFlowing.mp3

Fresnans. This is your culture podcast. It is called Flowing With Famous. Mr. Joshua Tehee of the Fresno Bee and I have been doing this for many years, mostly talking Downtown Fresno and interesting Fresno culture and music stories. This month’s episode is no different.

We revisit the Fulton Mall groundbreaking and our feelings for that day. We stay in Downtown Fresno and talk about the Culture Arts District and if South Stadium is a good name for that area of Downtown.

The Audie’s Olympic era has closed and we reminisce about the historic Tower District music club which leads us into the Band Of The Episode: Let’s Go Bowling.

The playing of Let’s Go Bowling sparks yet another version of the game: What’s The Greatest Music Act In Fresno History?

We then talk about last month’s Fresyes Fest at Tioga and how we may be getting too old and if there a culture shift in Fresno nightlife. Plus Josh saw Justin Beiber… so that happened.

Thanks for listening!
Show feed. Subscribe on iTunes.
Hosted: Joshua Tehee and The Fresnan.

5 Most Annoying Parking Lots In Fresno

The Fresnan 68 Comments

Fresno is a town of parkers. We love to drive someplace and then park there. Where can I park my thing at the thing? It better be a damn close spot too.

If we could park inside of the business we are going to, we would. This is the only way a Fresnan could be completly satisfied. You would think that the old Woodward Park Drive-In would still be around just for that fact. You were forced to park inside.

Since we love to park so much, you know that when there is the slightest thing off about a parking lot, we are going to complain about it DAMMIT!

So here is what I consider to be the five most annoying/worst parking lots in Fresno:

1.DOG HOUSE GRILL

doghouse-grill-parking-lot 5 Most Annoying Parking Lots In Fresno
You have to go hours before Dog House Grill opens to get a picture like this.

Easy pick here. The parking at Dog House Grill might be more talked about than the parking in Downtown Fresno. There is no lot in town that makes locals heads shake more.

It makes one wonder how the lot ever got approved by the city, because they do have a policy about such things. Well, Doghouse Grill is a special case. For reals, in order to get approved, owners told the city they would create a lot off-site. They never got around to that lot.

This is how I believe their parking approval happened:

City Of Fresno: Dudes. The size of your parking lot doesn’t even cover your employees. This isn’t going to fly.
Doghouse Grill: Oh shizzz. Well, what if we make a lot off-site and have a shuttle going back and forth?
City Of Fresno: I guess that’s cool. Just make sure I get some of that sweet tri-tip action first.
Doghouse Grill: Deal!

2.SAVEMART – BULLARD & WEST. Mix old people drivers with tight limited space and blammo. Prepare for that milk you just bought to expire as you wait for Old Man Fresno to move out of your way…very slowly. I can feel the tension now as I look at this pic:

Save-Mart-dance 5 Most Annoying Parking Lots In Fresno
The Dance of the Save Mart lot

3.TRADER JOE’S – BARSTOW. Here is another lot that is too small and shitty to get out of. But those two jars of cookie butter you just bought will make everything better once you’re home.
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Who The Hell Were All Those Damn People At Fresyes Fest?

The Fresnan 1 Comment

Like many of you, I was at Fresyes Fest at Tigoa Sequoia on Saturday. But I came really close to not being there. You saw that line waiting to get in, right? Yeah I saw it too. Forget that noise.

But wait. I gotta blog about something. I guess I will go stand in line and all that crap.

Plus I really like good beer. And it was THE event in Fresno this past weekend.

No it wasn’t the last two nights at Audie’s (although it was pretty epic, I hear). And it wasn’t even Easter. It was Fresyes Fest. Sorry, Jesus, it’s true.

So the main thing I noticed while in there? It wasn’t the food trucks taking up Fulton Street. Or the fine beer TS pours. Or the pro stage. It wasn’t even Swear Bear emptying cups:

File-Mar-28-11-15-10-PM Who The Hell Were All Those Damn People At Fresyes Fest?
Photo by Craig Kohlruss (@ck_foto)
It was all the weird, unfamiliar people. Where did all these random Valley folks come from and who are they!?

Seriously though: Who the fuck were they?!  And I use fuck in the sweetest way. Like, when a friend tells you their Great Uncle died last week. “Fuck. I’m sorry man.” That’s how I’m using it. Fuck can still be sweet and pack a punch. It’s versatile like that.

If you looked real close Saturday, you would have seen a few OG bloggers huddled in a shaded corner wondering where the time went. And yes, also still wondering who the fuck these people are.

File-Mar-28-10-57-01-PM-1024x1024 Who The Hell Were All Those Damn People At Fresyes Fest?
FresYes Fest crowd at Tioga’s Beer Garden
Old Man Fresno rant!: “Back in my day, the only festival we had was the Fig Gig and that’s the way we liked it! No fancy hipster food trucks. No cute picnic tables inside a nice big Beer Garden. Our “beer garden” was a 50×50 foot taped-off piece of blacktop behind the Applebee’s, and that’s the way we liked it and we were happy to get it!”

That’s right, children. Fig Gig. It… it was something to go to. Technically. And we didn’t have to worry about lines or choices of beer. Sanger Light Bud Light and Bud Ice anyone?

Now you have FresYes Fest. And Grizzly Fest and Whatever Is Happening This Weekend Fest. I think Fresno is doing pretty damn good in the festival department now. Even if I don’t know WHO THE FUCK anybody is at these things.

You don’t know how good you have it, you Fresno Millennials. You have a downtown to be pumped about and a thriving festival scene. There used to be just Bud Light and caution tape.