How To Never Make Money Blogging

The luxurious world of blogging is real. The rumors are true. All the money and fame you assume happens to bloggers? I’m here to tell you it happens. Girls. Free shit. Best tables at restaurants. Passes to all the cool shows.

Of course I’m lying. None of those things are true.

Being a blogger is the lowest rung of the cool person pole. And that’s OK. That’s why I like it. Apparently I love spending hours of personal time trying to think of something to blog about and then doing it and then getting zero dollars for it and 40 people to look at it. It’s neat.

I have a lot of experience in blogging for nothing. Since 2002. Here is my “how to” for making sure you never get paid for blogging. Especially blogging about Fresno.

• Never guest blog. That blog about puppy enthusiast culture doesn’t need your traffic and you don’t need theirs.
• Don’t communicate with people. Never engage with humans. Especially influential bloggers or readers. This may cause them to notice you and hire you for things and subscribe to your blog.
• If people compliment you, ignore them. If they like your stuff, they likely suck and their opinion is stupid.
• Don’t do sponsored posts. If someone offers you money to write about their product, tell them “No I’m too punk rock for that.”
• Don’t ask for help. Never ever ask people “Could you share my blog with all your cool friends? Thanks.” This could drive traffic to your blog and maybe prompt people to hire you for something.
• Never take yourself seriously. Don’t convince yourself that you’re good at blogging. Just keep telling yourself it’s impossible to make ANY sort of living doing something that’s totally cool and rad.

There. You have been let into the world of not making money blogging. I’ve been following this advice for years and I have no money in the bank from blogging to show for it.

Keep this information to yourself for it is highly valuable. Next time I’ll conduct a seminar on “How To Not Make Money Podcasting” – it’s pretty much the same course.

*In case you noticed this is an odd post for The Fresnan, I’m taking part in a seven-day “blogging challenge”. One writing prompt a day for seven days straight. This one is day 5: write a “how to” post.

Previous posts:

• Day One: Write a ‘list post’: 7 IPAs Not In My Fridge For IPA Day.
• Day Two: Answer a question the reader may have: Are They Really Not Going To Cover That?
• Day Three: Write a review: Moments Of Review: Farooq’s “Heel”.
• Day Four: Tell a story: Palmdon and That Damn Tower.
• Day Five: Write a “how to” post: How To Never Make Money Blogging.
• Day Six: (? Sunday sometime)
• Day Seven: (? On Monday)