Updated: Fresno Summer Checklist

Paletas

This year’s Summer has started out pretty mild, you have to admit. But there are a few months of heat and whatnot inevitably ahead.

So here are things to look out for or remember to do, so that you can enjoy Fresno’s Summer:

  • Water.
  • Beer.
  • Mountain hikes.
  • Patios at night.
  • Beach days.
  • Standing in front of open freezer doors.
  • Paletas.
  • Seeing a Rodger Rocka’s show.
  • Beer.
  • Spray containing deet.
  • Shaded breezeways.
  • Pool.
  • Slip N Slide.
  • Grizzlies game.
  • Sunblock.
  • More water.
  • Snow cone related food trucks.
  • Afternoon movies.
  • Barbecue.
  • Things in and around lakes.
  • Cold showers.
  • Beer Gardens (Gazebo, Tioga, etc).
  • Fashion Fair (inside).
  • Industrial grade fans.
  • Sprinklers.
  • Beer.

More water is no joke, ya gots to stay hydrated with all that beer drinking.

And here is something to think about as you go: Has complaining about the heat ever made it cooler?…

The Condiment Of Fresno: Salsa or Ranch?

I was going to write a post simply about ranch dressing. Fresno loves it. I get that most of the country does, but Fresno seems to love it more.

We also love salsa too. But salsa is limited. You are probably not going to get salsa with your meal unless you’re eating Mexican food.

Ranch goes with pizza, salad, fries, sandwiches, with another ranch, the list goes on. But is it loved over salsa?

I DON’T MIND PAYING FOR RANCH

We all got pissed when Me & Ed’s starting charging for ranch. At this point though, I gotta say, I support paying for ranch. As long as a place gladly forks over the ranch and it’s in a decent sized container, I will happily pay.

Not every place hands over the ranch easy. They act like you’re trying to get one over on them. I can see in their eyes what they’re thinking “What’s this guy trying to pull, with these two ranches? Is he trying to make a meal out of it?”

I’m not trying to pull anything, dude! Stop acting like this is the first time anyone has ordered ranch!

If you are a business in Fresno, you should always have ranch at the ready and be happy to part with a reasonable amount.

Hell, even places that don’t serve food should at least keep a bottle around or be ready to whip up a fresh batch, you know, just in case.

BUT SALSA, BRO, WHAT ABOUT SALSA?

So, easy choice; ranch is the Condiment of Fresno.

Hold on, chief. Salsa is pretty damn big here, too. We love them damn tacos. Tacos tacos tacos.

Chips & salsa. All day. I cannot ever remember a session when I thought ”Ok, that is enough chips & salsa for me.” I am always having to use restraint when stopping.

Salsa on every bite of my breakfast burrito. Every bite.

So, Which is it? Salsa or Ranch?

Maybe we can think outside the box here. Start putting ranch on things we put salsa on and salsa on pizza things.

Ranch on tacos? Ok, we can try that. But…

Taco Bell did it? Nevermind.

So now what do we do? I’m torn.

Fuck it, it’s ranch. Ranch is the Official Condiment Of Fresno. I expect it to be given a day by the City Of Fresno soon. Fight me in the comments.

*If you’d like to hear me debate this, listen for it late in this month’s episode of Flowing With Famous:

Do Not Camp At Busy Fresno Restaurants

The other morning I went to cozy Fresno breakfast spot, Benaddiction. Really great food, good service. The most interesting breakfast menu in Fresno for sure and arguably the best breakfast. You will order too much food, I’m telling you right now.

The problem with Benaddiction is: too damn small.

It’s tiny. Mini pancake tiny. Like, if you opened up a restaurant in your first apartment and there is no bedroom, tiny.

This is not what the post is about.

I’m not here to complain about Benaddiction. They are taking steps to find a bigger space and they are working well with what they have. I’m here to tell “campers” to go the hell home when they are done eating.

Campers are the people that hangout at their table and chitchat even though they are done eating and paying.

I suppose this is fine when the place is not busy and nobody is waiting for a table. But Benaddiction is ALWAYS busy and there is usually a 20 to 40 minute wait for a table.

I Witnessed Camping Myself

When last I was there, we waited 30 minutes for a table. When we sat down there was a table of two women finishing their meal.

By the time we were done with our breakfast and leaving, those same two women were still there talking. Dicks.

Look up and read the room, people. You can talk about what you bought at Target yesterday when you are in the parking lot.

That said, Pro Tip: You can do call-ahead seating at Benadictions using your Yelp app via their Yelp page.

Just don’t abuse your table time, k!?

The 7 Worst Traffic Problems In Fresno

Like you and most Fresnans, I do a lot of driving. I even do it for work so I get around Fresno a lot. I see things. Things I can’t unsee. But that is not what this is about.

This is about Fresno traffic. We are not even close to the kind of stuff the Bay, Southern California or Sacramento sees, but we most certainly have problem areas.

These are the ones that stand out to me while puttering around town.

BULLARD & 41. This is especially true heading West on Bullard but it sucks overall. If you have no interest getting onto 41, it’s best to use Barstow or Sierra instead.

SHAW & 99. Mostly it’s the traffic heading East as it gets backed up to Polk. It’s a one-lane bridge, for freak sake even though it’s a major entry point into Fresno. And don’t get me started on how Caltrans has never landscaped this portion of 99 and the highway has been around 60 years or something. Although they did just do some half-assed planting of trees around the Southbound offramp, so that’s something I guess.

THE MCKINLEY CURVE. Maybe Fresno’s most famous traffic area. Heading North, 41 dangerously curves just as 180 dumps cars onto it. It’s never not sketchy.

BLACKSTONE & NEES. Ya got River Park. People getting onto 41. People getting off 41. Occasional protesting. Begging. In & Out. It has all the things!

FRIANT, FRESNO STREET & 41, FRIANT EXIT OFF 41. This is going to get worse. And worse. And worse. More retail building. More building around Copper River. One day there will be, like, a seven-story office building right there. Not fun.

180 WEST AT 99 NORTH EXCHANGE. From about 3 PM to 6PM, if you are on 180 and you want to get to 99 North, ya need to be gettin’ over to the right lane once 41 South has completed dumping its traffic onto 180 and yes now I am thinking of The Californians sketch from Saturday Night Live.

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HERNDON & GOLDEN STATE. This actually flows pretty well when there is no train. But when there is, look out man, it backs up super fast.

HONORABLE MENTION
  • Shaw, Barstow, Chestnut and 168 anytime there is something happening at Save Mart Center.
  • Exiting 41 North onto Shaw.
  • Shaw & Golden State Blvd when there is a train.

Please feel free to leave your picks for worst traffic areas in Fresno, in the comments.

Alright, that is settled, time to watch some Californians.

This Is A Garbage Post

Enough! Last straw, Creepy Truck Guy that picks through my recycling at night. You wanna take stuff out, that’s fine. Just don’t start mixing, dammit!

One trash-day morning before leaving for work, I noticed some of my recycling on the ground instead of in the bin. I stop to pick it up and then notice a whole grip of recycling material had been “transferred” over into my grey garbage bin.

Obviously, scavengers had been on the street last night and made their search through the blue bin easier by tossing recycling into the grey bin, then leaving it there.

This Is Not A Rant About Scavengers.

Normally I don’t have a problem with people picking recycling out of my bin. If you want to work that hard to nab (what I assume is) fifty cents worth of cans and plastic bottles that I’m too lazy to bring to the recycling center, have at it.

But when you start compromising the green or grey bins with items that were intended for the recycling bin? Fuck you.

Really I am just pissed because you just made more work for me. I am going to pick through my own trash and save my cans now. Yep, no soup for you, buddy.

I go through a lot of cans too. The shift to packaging more craft beer in cans is definitely reflected in my blue bin. Big revenue hit there, pal.

(Is it big revenue? I have no idea.)

Will Creepy Truck Guy get this message?

Doubt it. I even started spacing my blue bin WAY away from the other bins in hopes that he will think “Gosh. I must have really upset this person. I will be more thoughtful next time.”

Now I have the most passive-aggressive bins on the street.

The reality is, I will work my way up to about three bags worth of cans, decide that it will be too much hassle to bring them somewhere and just put them in the blue been anyway.

For now though? I am a bin asshole.

Bill Maher Calls Fresno State President An “Idiot” – I Call For President Of Fresno!

Here is Bill referencing Fresno State President Joseph Castro’s comments about the whole Barbara Bush being called an ”Amazing Racist” by FS English Professor, Randa Jarrar, thing:

Did you hear what Bill called Mr. Castro? No, not ”Ya idiot!” He called him ”President Fresno.”

Have I not made it clear enough that I am the President Of Fresno?! Come on, Maher!

I already have set in motion the project to build a wall between Fresno and Clovis. Including later expansion for NE Fresno being walled off (East of Friant Road). And yes, I will make Clovis pay for it!

So there is no confusion, I would like to super announce my candency for President Of Fresno. Just because the title sounds really rad.