I Promise My PG&E Bill Is Bigger Than Yours

Have you noticed Fresno has been a bit cooler lately? The difference is very subtle, but it’s there. Well, you can thank me for that.

It seems I have teamed up with Pacific Gas & Electric to try and cool down Fresno with just my air conditioner unit. If you don’t believe me, here is my real PG&E bill to prove it:

Hey, the only thing I can figure out from this bill is that I must have kept all my doors and windows open all day with the AC set to 68 so that Fresno can feel just slightly cooler. You. Are. Welcome.

Blogging Is Not A Rich Dude Trade.

How can one pay for such a bill? I’m not exactly sure because it’s way over my budget, but somehow the lights stay on every day and my beer fridge keeps running – thank God.

But what the fuck? Why is it this crazy? It’s $200 more than my previous monthly record. It seems those “power hungry” bastards at PG&E prey on idiots that like to keep things reasonably cool inside the house and hit them with a High Usage Fee.

But I really don’t get crazy with my usage. It’s set at 80 during the day and I drop it to 76ish in the evening so we can get some fucking sleep around here.

Possible reasons for the crazy rate:

  • Mid Century Modern house with raised ceilings. There is a lot of space to fill with expensive, high usage, cool air.
  • Single pane windows. I like these because they rattle really hard when the Air National Guard jets fly over.
  • Beard trimmer constantly charging. Hey, dude, I gotta be ready to sharpen my beard at a moment’s notice! I can not afford to look unkempt when the Mail Lady shows up with my Star Wars subscription box.
  • Pool pump constantly battling algae. Keeping a pool blue enough for night swimming pictures is really hard (see pic at top). The struggle is, in fact, real.

Well, What About Solar?

Sure, I have thought about this.

But then you have to go on Facebook and look like a douche and ask all your friends and family “Hey, anybody know a good solar company that is like cool and all?” and then your dad and your friend from a job you no longer work at get into a debate on whether leasing solar is better than buying and then you end up finally calling a guy and inevitably a bunch of dudes are stomping all over your roof trying to install it and totally judging your roof while they do it and maybe one of the dudes falls off your roof and your dog mauls his arm off and that really sucks and then after it’s installed one of your neighbors comes by and tells you how they couldn’t sell their house because they had some sorta fucked up solar lease and you realize it’s the same damn lease you have and you are paying like $300 bucks a month for that shit and you’re just wishing you could go off in the corner of your yard and die behind the bushes like the squirrel you found back there several years ago did.

So, nevermind about solar.

I’ll just keep doing what I’m doing. Maybe let my beard grow out and save a few pennies. No way am I turning off my Beer Fridge though. I need those cold beers to numb the pain of my power bill.

Herndon: Fast & The Sometimes Furious

I used to think I was pushing the limits of speeding on Fresno’s streets when I’d go 60 mph down Herndon during my morning commute to work.

No longer. It seems 70 is the new 60 and I’m being left behind. “Out the way, sweet cheeks!”

Oh and don’t slip up getting onto Herndon thinking 50 is going to work. I see people pull out on to Herndon and immediately regret it. “Shit I done fucked up!” is the face made often.

http://media0.giphy.com/media/VmKs3IMpH96Yo/giphy.gif

But Herndon in NW Fresno is different from NE Fresno Herndon. The “Clovis side” of Herndon, as I like to call it, has a hard time even reaching the speed limit:

So I guess I’m pleased to have the “freedom” of getting up to 70, if I so desire. It seems we deal with less congestion in the NW.

And, I’m not asking for Fresno PD to start setting up shop at Sierra Sky Park (I’m no narc, bro!), just making an observation.

Something to ponder, Fresnan reader: Is there any other surface Street in Fresno you can get up to 70?…

Where Does Fresno Need A Pedestrian/Bike Bridge?

This week I saw Bike Portland talking about a bike bridge that is up for city approval (that’s so Portland). It got me to thinking…

Where could Fresno use a bike/pedestrian bridge?

  • Blackstone & Nees. You saw the AMAZING rendition at the top of the post (big thanks to the Fresnan Art Department), so I don’t have to explain the location on this one. Easily crossing over from Barnes & Noble to REI sounds cool, yeah?
  • Cedar & Barstow. Thinking somewhere on Cedar, between Barstow and Bulldog Lane. Ya got all the Fresno State students living West of Cedar, then you got everyone going to the football and baseball games. Seems like a no-brainer.
  • Mama Mia’s & My House. It would make it so much easier to pick up my gnocchi if there was a bridge from my driveway that went directly to Mama’s.
  • Blackstone & Shields. People are jaywalking here all the time. This fixes it. Probably. Plus there is a new Chipotle or something, you need to get to.
  • Fulton & Inyo. I hear there is going to be so much fucking traffic going down this new look Fulton Street that you, nor your Fulton Mall business, is going to be able to handle it. Money will be falling out of the sky, people will be parking like crazy and having the time of their damn lives. Fresno Grizzlies’ “Parker” will finally get laid. The few people that will be brave enough to walk amongst the major thoroughfare of newly imagined Fulton Street, will need a bridge over the insane traffic that Fulton Street Mall will definitely totally have. And Clovis Girl will be able to walk in safety.
  • Friant & Fresno Street. You have the new shopping center on the East side of Friant and Downtown North on the West Side. Feels logical.

We are a big enough city, guys. Making it safer to bike and walk around is a major factor in making us a cool city. I’m having some fun here, but really, let’s bridge.

Where else would you like to see a bridge in Fresno?

Catching Up On Fresno

Sorry, loyal Fresnan reader! I missed my self-imposed Tuesday night deadline for a new post. I was deep in the Oregon woods with no Internet. It was relaxing and annoying all at once.

So, come with me as I try to find some Fresno that I missed.

Tacos!
The now nationally famous, Taco Truck Throwdown, happened. It can be considered the tent-pole event that proves we are the Taco Capital of the United States. Joey Chestnut ate many, others dropped a lot of salsa on the ground.

High-Speed Rail!
Will Fresno become a bedroom community for the Silicon Valley? We shall see starting in 2025. I foresee a mix of our own organic tech community (see: Bitwise) and San Jose commuters. Personally, I will just use it to see shows at Shoreline. (pic above a rendering of Fresno’s station)

Booze In All The Wrong Places!
With the City Council wasting time being overly concerned about legal pot dispensaries, they conveniently forget about the real problem in Fresno. That problem is too many liquor stores South of Shaw.

The last thing a rough neighborhood needs is a liquor store. Please work on this problem, City Of Fresno, and don’t waste time with scaring people into thinking a few pot dispensaries would EVEN COME REMOTELY CLOSE to being as bad as an ugly liquor store on every corner.

River Park Became The Red Waste!
A fire plane “malfunctioned” and dumped fire retardant all over NE Fresno, including River Park. This bit of news somehow made it past my lack of Internet while on vacation because funny always makes it through.

Alright, I guess this isn’t funny if your business or car got messed up, so I am truly sorry for those folk. But when I heard that a fire plane dumped red junk on River Park, I did laugh.

Gary Bredefeld Embarrassing Fresno Again!
Northeast Fresno truly has the Councilman it deserves. Determined to do and say as many dumb things that he can within a year, Breders believes all City workers with a weapons permit should bring their gun to work with them. WHAT A FUN WORK ENVIRONMENT!

So now the sketchy dude we were already worried about coming into work wanting to shoot the place up one day can constantly walk around the office ready to mow me down at the first sign of stress and it’s perfectly legal!

This idea made national news, if you somehow think Breitbart is actually news. Sadly? for Gary B, Fresno already allows select vetted workers to carry their penis enlargements guns, which is a little uncomfortable to just now learn. Research much, Gary?

That Is Enough For Now.
If I missed something you think I’d find interesting, feel free to leave it in the comments. Thanks for being here!

The Season Of The Mosquito: Fresno Summer 2017

Whaaaat the faauck with the mosquitos This year? Worst. Ever. We even had to release a crapton more mosquitos in attempt to calm down the bad mosquitoes and made national news for it.

This has been used liberally all Summer.

Have you ever noticed that you get bit more than your friends do or maybe you are the lucky one that rarely gets stung?

I get bit more than most and a post by I Fucking Love Science has explained why this is, including this chart:

Did you see the beer drinker
factoid? DID you!? That freaking sucks.

My favorite Fresno thing is relaxing on a patio or by a pool, in the evening, with a beer. I am a prime candidate for mosquito attacks.

At least it SEEMS like the mosquitoes have been calmer this week. Maybe they are on their way out for the year.

Which is good because I don't want to resort to living like this:

*Mosquito pic from here.

When Is The Damn Fulton Street Opening Anyway?


ME: I have grown weary of the continuous string of Fulton Street Mall updates within my social media feed.

VOICE IN MY HEAD: What the hell are you doing posting about Fulton Mall Street then!?

ME: I dunno, bro, I gotta post about something! People expect, you know, something.

VOICE IN HEAD: Jesus, you suck at blogging and this is already boring.

ME: Agreed.

But you see, a big thing happened on Fulton today. To make room for cars they moved the Clock Tower across the “street”. I guess the time had come…

I know this because it was all over local social today.

It was on Facebook:

On Twitter:

On Instagram:


On Google Plus: Just kidding, nobody posts on there anymore.

There is even video:


So now that’s out of the way, the City Of Fresno feels confident enough to announce a Grand Opening date for cruising Fulton Street. That date is October 21st!

You may be like me and have questions about this Fulton Street and its October (yeah, we’ll see) opening. Let’s go through a few:

  • Will there be asphalt? Yes.
  • Will there be room for two cars? Yes.
  • Will there be room for Clovis dually trucks? No.
  • Will the fountains work? Supposedly.
  • Will Parker get in some sort of zany wreck on Fulton Street? One can hope.
  • Will there be parking meters? Yes.
  • Will I have to learn how to parallel park? Yes. It seems that parallel will be the parking style of choice, down Fulton.
  • Will I be able to get drunk on the sidewalk? Hopefully. And if Fieldwork opens up a taproom on Fulton? For sure.
  • Will that old buffass dude with the boombox still be blasting on Fulton? Yes – he will find a way.

So I’ll see ya out there in October, I guess, fighting for a parking spot. Actually, I probably won’t even try and end up parking in front of Tioga like I always do.

*top pic stolen from City of Fresno’s Twitter feed.