California – Page 4 – The Fresnan

THE Bands You Will Regret Missing At Grizzly Fest

I won’t be at Grizzly Fest on Saturday. Probably. But YOU should totally go because you are way cooler than me and deserve to treat yourself to the best music festival in Fresno. Well, best since F.U.S.E. Fest went on hiatus.

Yeah, I probably won’t make it because it’s Saturday and that means I’ll be making one worthless trip to the hardware store and a second trip to get the thing forgotten on the first trip.

I’m going to miss a lot of badassness. Fresno’s own Fashawn will be there, along with plenty of other national acts. I kinda don’t give a shit about those. I like the Fresno bands.

Some of the Fresno music will include Slow Season, Amoret, White Glove Service and one of the biggest Fresno bands of all time: 40 Watt Hype. They have a new video out, btw:

There are more Fresno acts but the two I will miss out on the most are Sagey and Wee Beasties:

Make sure you go and report back to me on social media (@thefresnan on Twitter and Instagram. trenchrun22 on Snap) and tell me all the badass sets I missed. I think I’ll be busy getting drunk while watching house paint dry.

Now please watch the most genius use of Fresno landmarks ever:

Fresno Is An Outdoor Retailer Trade Show City, Just Like Denver and Portland!

There is a grand opportunity for the city of Fresno right now. A chance for Fresno to get a major trade show and to build a reputation for being an “outdoor city”.

Salt Lake City just lost the Outdoor Retailer trade show. This is a trade show for businesses like REI, Patagonia, North Face… hell, basically every retailer that does anything in outdoor retail. It’s sorta the everything in the industry.

What San Diego Comi-Con is for nerddom, this is for outdoor nerds.

The OR show has always been held in Utah. Since the 90s. But they are looking for a new city to move to by 2019 because Utah has been naughty.

Utah’s Governor, and other Republican peeps in Utah, lobbied President Trump to roll back the Bears Ears National Monument, a 1.35-million-acre conservation area in Southern Utah that Native Americans and other people who like Earth, have held sacred for years. Trump listened and rolled it on back.

Fuck off, Earth! Cattle and mines are more important.

So the Outdoor Retailers, people that were warning Utah not to do this, said they are packing up their back…packs and looking for a new city to dump all that trade show money into. The show dumps 32 million into SLC every year.

Denver and Portland (OR) are leading contenders at the moment. I say we make sure Fresno is in that mix too because Fresno is an outdoor city. Maybe we don’t act like it enough, maybe we don’t even know it, but we are.

We totally qualify to have the Outdoor Retailer trade show. Fresno is within a morning drive to all outdoor activities. ALL THE ACTIVITIES! So we got that as a qualification.

But do we have the kind of convention space to handle this?:

Hell, I think so.

Oh but wait, does Fresno have enough hotel rooms (or Air BnBs) to handle this? I don’t know, that is for city officials to figure out – I don’t create and maintain the trails, I just walk through and comment on them.

So I hope there is enough time for Fresno to get consideration. I don’t think anybody is threating to roll back National Park status for Yosemite, Kings Canyon or Sequoia anytime soon. *knock on wood*

Let’s do it! Let’s blaze a trail to Fresno for Outdoor Retailer!
Photo: Bears Ears, Utah | Credit: Tim Peterson

Olive Garden Opening In Fresno Is A Good Thing…There, I Said It.

I don’t go to Olive Garden. Well, I haven’t for a long time. I went to the Modesto Garden years ago because my Grandma wanted to. And yeah, I have been to the Clovis one. I’m embarrassed to admit I brought a date there once. There was no second date.

I purposely have not Gardened for a long time. Waiting an hour for a table to eat chain “Italian” food in Clovis is not my idea of a good night out – I don’t care how many unlimited bread sticks you throw at me.

So why the hell should I care or think it’s a good thing that Olive Garden is about to open up its first Fresno location? [Located at Marketplace Shopping Center, BTW)

Because the Highway City area of NW Fresno does not have a sit-down, waiter comes to your table, restaurant. If the first one has to be an Olive Garden, so be it.

I would rather it be a local restaurant or something we have never seen in Fresno before. But it’s not. It’s an Olive Garden. Highway City will have to accept it. Something tells me they will and there will be an hour wait there too.

Some advice, though. Don’t take a first date there, dude. Impressed she will not be. Unless you can do a dance routine with your bread sticks.

Pot Is Making You Lose Your Damn Focus, Fresno!

Our Mayor is thinking he will defy a state law and probably not allow pot dispensaries in Fresno. Screw the millions in revenue. Don’t need it. We got all them millions already. We good.

Even the SO-CALLED liberal newspaper, The Fresno Bee, doesn’t support legal pot.

Welcome to California’s Bible Belt.

To be clear, this rant is coming from a NON pot smoker. [for realz] I don’t inhale.

Mayor Brand sent two Fresnans to Colorado to check out how things were doing there with the legal pot. Turns out, they couldn’t figure out if it was good or bad.

So police chief, Dyer (one of the people the Mayor sent) just gave a blanket “No, bro” reco to Brand. This was enough for our Mayor to conclude he’s going to say no because that seems safe.

Is Dyer running the city or Brand?

Come on, Fresno. Wake up to the fact we are in California. We need to be progressive.

“Oh golly, I hear a pot dispensary might get broken into every once in a while.” THIS IS YOUR CONCERN!? We’ll be ok, snowflake. Fresno can handle this.

Do you realize children get shot in this city for being in their front yard at the wrong time of day AND YOU’RE FUCKING WORRIED ABOUT A BUSINESS GETTING BROKEN INTO IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT!? As if other businesses don’t get broken into.

Holy shit, man. It’s called priorities. Get them. Maybe take care of our meth, poverty and gang problem before focusing on shutting down LEGAL pot.

Have you ever heard of a guy in Fresno carjacking somebody or shooting somebody because he was super fucking baked? No, of course you haven’t!

Reporter: What happened here, officer?

Policeman: The male suspect was seen getting super high earlier and then started stabbing everyone and stole a car.

You hear how ridiculous that sounds, right?

Please worry about real stuff, Fresno. Take advantage of being in California and mellow out.

At Least One Reason To Start Heading To NE Fresno, Right Now!

Let’s face it. There is not much substance to NE Fresno.

It’s just houses. Churches. Schools that should be in Fresno Unified but are somehow in Clovis Unified. And strip malls – sortaish nice strip malls, but still strip malls.

But there is one cool thing the NE has that all Fresnans can enjoy: Trails.

Trails that are fed by Woodward Park, in fact. River trails. Park trails. Trails along avenues. NE is totally bogarting Fresno’s trails!

I strolled down one, last weekend, and I advise you to get down there right now because it’s pretty and Portland-y and green. It’s all green.

Yo, did you know there is a legit river running along the city limits? Yeah? Well, there is. And things are flowing:

Go check it out. Or just stay in your house and talk about how Fresno sucks.

Alright. I admit it. The NE has one more thing, outside of trails: Fresno’s most elegant bottle shop: The Fort:

Ohhh shit, an Oscar Blues “Pinner IPA” sixer for $4.99. Gotta go find a beer trail.

The Bay Has Way More Goats Than Fresno

That is a map of every goat in the country. How they were able to count them, you’d have to ask the Wonk Blog.

What is most interesting to me is the amount of goats the Bay Area has. Like, WAY more than Fresno and the Valley does.

And I don’t think it’s a hipster “goats are a natural lawnmower that cuts back on greenhouse gases” kind of thing. San Francisco just likes goats.

Whatcha all doing over there? …With the goats. Mark this as a day San Fransisco is more hick than Fresno.