How To Never Make Money Blogging

keyboard

The luxurious world of blogging is real. The rumors are true. All the money and fame you assume happens to bloggers? I’m here to tell you it happens. Girls. Free shit. Best tables at restaurants. Passes to all the cool shows.

Of course I’m lying. None of those things are true.

Being a blogger is the lowest rung of the cool person pole. And that’s OK. That’s why I like it. Apparently I love spending hours of personal time trying to think of something to blog about and then doing it and then getting zero dollars for it and 40 people to look at it. It’s neat.

I have a lot of experience in blogging for nothing. Since 2002. Here is my “how to” for making sure you never get paid for blogging. Especially blogging about Fresno.

  • Never guest blog. That blog about puppy enthusiast culture doesn’t need your traffic and you don’t need theirs.
  • Don’t communicate with people. Never engage with humans. Especially influential bloggers or readers. This may cause them to notice you and hire you for things and subscribe to your blog.
  • If people compliment you, ignore them. If they like your stuff, they likely suck and their opinion is stupid.
  • Don’t do sponsored posts. If someone offers you money to write about their product, tell them “No I’m too punk rock for that.”
  • Don’t ask for help. Never ever ask people “Could you share my blog with all your cool friends? Thanks.” This could drive traffic to your blog and maybe prompt people to hire you for something.
  • Never take yourself seriously. Don’t convince yourself that you’re good at blogging. Just keep telling yourself it’s impossible to make ANY sort of living doing something that’s totally cool and rad.

There. You have been let into the world of not making money blogging. I’ve been following this advice for years and I have no money in the bank from blogging to show for it.

Keep this information to yourself for it is highly valuable. Next time I’ll conduct a seminar on “How To Not Make Money Podcasting” – it’s pretty much the same course.

*In case you noticed this is an odd post for The Fresnan, I’m taking part in a seven-day “blogging challenge”. One writing prompt a day for seven days straight. This one is day 5: write a “how to” post.

Previous posts:

The Portals Into Fresno: Which Is Best?

Fresno Sign by David Husted

What are the best entry points to Fresno?

Let’s say you are escorting a person into Fresno that has never been here before and you want to make the most Fresno-y impression. Where are you getting off the freeway? What do you want them seeing first?

Many things to consider here. Do you go for the cleanest? The most representative? Most relevant? Most interesting?

Simply, what entry point would you use?

Shaw and 99. You’ve got the Forestiere Underground Gardens, the convenience of getting off Highway 99 and In & Out. But it looks like shit. Weeds and fast food. Could be a decent spot if they cleaned up the area around Underground Gardens and made it more of a park and light touristy area. But they aren’t.

Blackstone and Friant/Nees (AKA River Park). For some this would be impressive. If you’re going South on Blackstone from Nees it looks sorta nice. And there are those that just like new stuff. They like shopping. They like chain stores. This Fresno portal has all of that.

Herndon and 99. There is a bunch of new businesses there on the other side of the tracks. Northernmost entrance. Rademacher even plays a song about it, so that’s something – one of my favorite all-time songs by a local band, btw:

Shaw and 41. Well the Silver Dollar is no longer there so that’s all screwed. But there is Heroes Comics and Rocket Dog and that’s a rad representation of Fresno, in this nerd’s mind. Plus right there is Shaw & Blackstone which is considered the cross-streets of the Valley.

The Airport. I guess if somebody is flying in you don’t have much of a choice. I don’t see too many United flights landing at Sierra Sky Park. As it has been written, I am fond of Fresno Yosemite International (yep, flying to Mexico counts as “International”, look it up, bro). Plus Swear Bear greets travelers over the PA, touting Fresno’s awesomeness.

Herndon and 41. No chance for me here. It’s just an excuse to wedge in an old “Cross Streets” video from Dumb Drum:

The Amtrak Station. I kinda like this one. Nice area of Downtown. You can pop onto a freeway and get anywhere in the city in 15 minutes.

Tulare and 41. Maybe when the Farmers Market food court was there but I don’t want a Starbucks and Office Depot representing the entrance to my city.

Highway 99 and Fresno Street. It has Fresno street in the name. Center of Downtown and about where Fresno literally started. The Chuk is right there. The Downtown Fresno skyline is staring back at you. But it’s kinda sketch.

Shaw and 168. Fresno State. Doghouse Grill. Save Mart Center. The new Campus Point thingamathing. Looking kinda good here. WAIT! Clovis is on the other side of the freeway. Fuck. That. Way too close.

TOO DAMN MANY CHOICES

I wanna go with the Airport. But I think a place where you drive into Fresno would be a more accurate way to figure this out. Hummmmmm.

Screw it: Shaw & 41. Not the nicest for sure but best represents the City as a whole. I guess. Not real excited about that.

What do you think? What was missed? I’m expecting some comments on this one. Don’t make me look like a douche and leave me with no comments on this post, Fresnan.

(Fresno Sign photo by David Husted)

A Lame Guide To Snapchat In Fresno

No. Snapchat is not just teens trading nude pics. Not anymore. Now asshat marketers and old people (you know, people above 30) are on Snapchat.

Mainstream, Snapchat is. The only thing left is your mom having an account. Until then, Snapchat is hot as hell and isn’t going away for a while.

Sadly Snapchat has become another time-suck for me and I hate it for that. But there are a few cool Fresno things. My favorite is finding Geofilters while roaming the city. Such as the three Fresno ones you can use throughout Fresnerd:

In & Out in Fresno
It’s the perfect melding of Fresno drive-thru life and a Fresno Geofilter.

There is also a Fresno ag-themed one and a downtown skyline one. Not terrible, but probably made by somebody not in Fresno.

Location specific Geofilters are a thing too. These will only pop-up as a filter option if you are near the location:

Fresno High Geofilter
Fresno High Geofilter

I haven’t seen any other High Schools or many businesses in town with their own filter, but give it time. We here in Fresno tend to drag our feet while adapting things.

FRESNANS SLOW TO RISE WITH THEIR SNAPCHAT GAME

I really have yet to find a Fresno Snapchatter that is terribly interesting to follow (including me, user: trenchrun22). But there are a couple local businesses that have it figured out. The number one is Dutch Brothers (dutchbrosfresno). They are killing it.

dutchbrosfresno

Others worth mentioning are Fresno State (Fresno_State), Fresno Grizzlies (FresnoGrizzlies) the Bulldog Marching Band (fsbmb) and Tioga Sequoia (tiogasequoia). I’m waiting for somebody cool like Bitwise to be snapping, but the local landscape is a bit snap-sparse at the moment.

GET IN ON THE SNAPCHAT LAND-GRAB

If you have a business or even just a big party, maybe even a real kickass spot on Blackstone to hang out at, you might want to look into getting an on-demand Geofilter. It’s really not that expensive and maybe not as hard as you think (TWSS) to get one. Check this out if you are interested:

FIND THE COOL KIDS AND THE FRESNO DORKS

The big knock on Snapchat is no discovery – you can’t search for anything within the app. And you can’t find anybody unless you know their handle or have their snapcode.

So, of course, there are Snapchat discovery apps popping up. Most notably is Ghost Codes. It makes it a bit easier to find people you want to follow.

DON’T BE AFRAID

As much as it’s unique from the big three (Facebook, Twitter, Instagram), there are just as many crappy, unassuming posts (sorry, “snaps”) as any other social media.

There are still all the social media classics: “Here I am going to the gym!” “Here I am at the gym.” “Look at my dog.” “How cute is MY kid!?” “Look at this food I am eating!” “Look at how good I look in my mirror!”

Point is, it’s not as intimidating as you might think. It may just take you a couple of days to figure out what works and how to make a story. Here is a quick tutorial for ya if you need it. And how to make a good Snapchat story:

So get on Snapchat today and enjoy it until your mom & dad get on there and ruin it just like your Facebook.

The River Park Traffic Circle: Fresno’s Lifelong Challenge

River Park Traffic Circle

River Park is 19 years old. Yep, hard to believe. Google said it so it must be true. Love it or hate, it’s a part of us now. All of it.

So River Park is pretty old and we are STILL learning how to maneuver through the damn traffic circle! Really though, when you drive up to it it’s like “Here we go. I wonder what’s going to happen this time.”

PRO TIP #1

Do NOT stop once you are in the traffic circle. Are you in the traffic circle? Good. That’s YOUR traffic circle now. Anybody that tries to come inside it is a trespasser and should yield to your power. They are your bitch.

PRO TIP #2

See pro tip #1. Or in other words: yield to the person already in the traffic circle. Remember, they are your King for the next few seconds and what they say goes.

That’s it. That’s all you need to remember. But if you still need help…

CLASS! Pay attention:

But hey. Don’t feel so dumb, Fresno. We are not the only ones that get confused with traffic circles. At least I’ve yet to see somebody going the wrong way like some dumbass Canadian hoser, ey?:

I’m going to stop there with the traffic circles videos. It can take you down a weird rabbit hold. Like this traffic circle video that’s oddly sensual:

Really I’d like to see everyone just have fun with the River Park Circle. It’s like a ride. Have fun. Just remember to yield when appropriate.

Fresno. The Peaches Are Coming. Send Help.

peaches
Peach Tree Fresno

If you have access to dirt in Fresno and don’t have some sort of fruit tree planted, then you’re a piece of shit.

You live in the most grow-ready soil in the world and you have no fruit? Shame. Shame. Shame.

I have a peach tree. I also have a grapefruit tree but nevermind that now.

I need help with this peach tree. And I’m relying on the knowledge of Fresno, THE GREATEST AG CITY IN THE WHOLE FUCKING WORLD, to help me.

I may have too many peaches. The Internet says I need to thin it out. And that’s what I’m doing. It feels like this is going to work. But every year I try things that I “feel are going to work” and I screw it up.

YEAR ONE
I did nothing but buy the house at the right time and inherit the tree during peach season. It was perfect. Lots of gorgeous tasty peaches and all the right size.

YEAR TWO
I pruned back the branches in February and ended up getting big peaches but not even enough to even fill a Save Mart grocery bag.

YEAR THREE
I pruned back half the branches. I got a ton of peaches but they were small and kind of lame. Only good for tossing at school children passing by.

YEAR FOUR
That’s this year. I left the old tree alone and there are a grip (I’m trying to bring back “grip” as a unit of measurement) of peaches. Too many. I suspect I will get another batch of throwing size peaches. So I’m thinning in hopes this will help. And I’ll be watering more. IN A VERY RESPONSIBLE WAY, CITY OF FRESNO, if you’re reading this.

I think I need a “peach tree guy”. I just wish I knew a Masumoto:

Isn’t David the fucking cutest? The Masumotos are the local Peach Whispers. Help me Masumoto. You’re my only hope.

Now about that grapefruit tree…

grapefruit tree

Is a grapefruit still good if it’s been hanging on the tree for a couple of years? Dammit. Now I gotta get a “grapefruit guy”.

5 Worthless Salad Toppings At Fresno’s Whole Foods

WHOLE FOOD SALAD BAR FRESNO

This is going to offend you. One of your favorite salad fixings is going to get dumped on. I’m sorry, but I must keep it real. Blogger code and all.

So hold on to your croutons, here are my 5 Most Worthless Whole Foods Fresno Salad Bar Choices:

5.WHATEVER THIS WAS:

whatever

You gotta figure it was something good since it is empty. But I bet it sucked.

4.TIE: BROCCOLI & PEAS. No. Just, no. I’m a grown adult and I no longer have to eat my broccoli or peas (like I ever did), let alone willfully pay to put it on my salad.

3.THIS JUNK:

junk

Alright so this stuff may not technically be part of the salad toppings. Controversial pick for sure. But I’ve seen people put this crap on their salads so it totally counts.

2.RED ONIONS CABBAGE:

RED ONION

It’s just used for color and you don’t need a build-a-salad to look pretty. It’s a salad that YOU made, it just needs to be functional. The salad is riding in a barely functional cardboard box. It’ll look like crap once it finishes your journey home anyway.
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