How To Never Make Money Blogging

keyboard

The luxurious world of blogging is real. The rumors are true. All the money and fame you assume happens to bloggers? I’m here to tell you it happens. Girls. Free shit. Best tables at restaurants. Passes to all the cool shows.

Of course I’m lying. None of those things are true.

Being a blogger is the lowest rung of the cool person pole. And that’s OK. That’s why I like it. Apparently I love spending hours of personal time trying to think of something to blog about and then doing it and then getting zero dollars for it and 40 people to look at it. It’s neat.

I have a lot of experience in blogging for nothing. Since 2002. Here is my “how to” for making sure you never get paid for blogging. Especially blogging about Fresno.

  • Never guest blog. That blog about puppy enthusiast culture doesn’t need your traffic and you don’t need theirs.
  • Don’t communicate with people. Never engage with humans. Especially influential bloggers or readers. This may cause them to notice you and hire you for things and subscribe to your blog.
  • If people compliment you, ignore them. If they like your stuff, they likely suck and their opinion is stupid.
  • Don’t do sponsored posts. If someone offers you money to write about their product, tell them “No I’m too punk rock for that.”
  • Don’t ask for help. Never ever ask people “Could you share my blog with all your cool friends? Thanks.” This could drive traffic to your blog and maybe prompt people to hire you for something.
  • Never take yourself seriously. Don’t convince yourself that you’re good at blogging. Just keep telling yourself it’s impossible to make ANY sort of living doing something that’s totally cool and rad.

There. You have been let into the world of not making money blogging. I’ve been following this advice for years and I have no money in the bank from blogging to show for it.

Keep this information to yourself for it is highly valuable. Next time I’ll conduct a seminar on “How To Not Make Money Podcasting” – it’s pretty much the same course.

*In case you noticed this is an odd post for The Fresnan, I’m taking part in a seven-day “blogging challenge”. One writing prompt a day for seven days straight. This one is day 5: write a “how to” post.

Previous posts:

Palmdon, Jackrabbits, Fig Orchards and El Torre Chingon

Palmdon

Palmdon Drive? Palm. don. Can we agree it’s the worst street name in Fresno? I get it, I get it, it’s a blend of Palm & Herndon. Yeah well it’s terrible.

I don’t think it’s a legit street name. When you look it up in Google Maps, it will show where Palmdon Drive is but it won’t place the name on the street. I think the street sign holds as much validity as an “Only Bulldog Fans Can Park Here” novelty sign.

This block used to be a fig orchard. NW Fresno used to be filled with fig orchards. They are all but gone now. I lived in the neighborhood behind it when I was a kid and that fig orchard was our park.

I used to hit golf balls, play wiffleball, let my dogs run around and attempt to catch jack rabbits, and even hide from tween life. In later years it became a place to have “fig parties” but that’s a story for another time.

Now it’s just offices, car dealerships, Starbucks and of course, the Univison Tower:

The Tower

Back in 2009 we dubbed it: “El Torre Chingon” (That Fucking Tower).

Not really sure why I feel like it would be better if there were still fig orchards around. It just feels wrong that they are all gone. Particularly this one.

Naming the street “Palmdon” doesn’t help.

Moments Of Review: Farooq’s “Heel”

farooq demo

Don’t be frightened. Farooq is not here to harm you. Their brand of sincere hardcore Fresno metal, is here to make you feel pumped and awesome.

They have a new EP/album-promo out on Bandcamp called “Heel”. Here is an odd BUT TOTALLY METAL, BRO review:

BIGGEST HEADBANGING POINT: The 2:13 to 2:31 mark of “Hoarders”.

STRONGEST MOMENT FOR THE F-WORD: Three seconds into “Ask Me”.

SECTION THAT SOUNDED THE MOST LIKE SUICIDAL TENDENCIES: The :45 Second to :55 second mark of “Ask Me”.

OH SHIT, THAT WAS COOL: When “Write Up” stops and he says “Are you mad ’cause I’m stylin’ on you?” At least I really fucking hope he says “stylin’ on you” because it’s rad and I will be saying “Are you mad ’cause I’m stylin’ on you?” to people all day today and forevermore.

THE PART WHERE YOUR MOM OVERHEARS WHAT YOU ARE LISTENING TO AND SAYS “WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU LISTENING TO, SON?”: The first minute of “Write Up”.

You may think that you can’t handle hardcore style stuff but really, I find Farooq more accessible than you think. Give it a shot. I love these dudes.

Check out the video for “Write Up” (audio is NSFW):

And follow them on their current tour vlogs via their YouTube channel.

 

 

Are They Really Not Going To Cover That?

park play areaHow does this new play area at Holman Park in Fresno, not have some sort of awning built into the budget?

Has anyone in the parks department tried putting their kid down a slide in Fresno in the summer? It burns. It sticks. I’m pretty sure it’s child abuse.

IT GETS FREAKING HOT!

In the Summer, you basically won’t be able to use it during the day. Just so you know – in case kids weird you out and you don’t know much about them – children like playing in the day. Sorta key for a play area to useful when the sun is out.

I’m speaking up for the kids…yeah that’s the ticket, for the kids. I, an adult male, would never want to play on this. Because I’m an adult and that would be silly. That slide doesn’t look inviting at all:

park slide

FIXABLE

Maybe it’s not too late. Maybe it’s going to be the last thing they install, since they are not quite done with the project. But I see no evidence of it.

Come on, guys, I want to slide-it-up in the shade… I mean my kid. My kid really wants to slide it up.

Who Else Likes Fresno Video?

Years ago, doing this blog, there wasn’t much Fresno video content out there to talk about. Any time somebody shot a video at all Fresno-ish that wasn’t horrendous, it became post worthy.

Things have changed. Video is easier to do.  Although, I don’t shoot local shows like I used to, so it must be tough for me.

So, I thought I would check in on some folks I remember that were just getting started in the game. Folks like Windsong, Blare, Ppl and Meza Films.

Shots of Downtown Fresno and Eva Scow? I feel like I will like this:

Yep. I did. Now who has some rad drone shots of Downtown Fresno?

Thanks, Terry. Please don’t fly over my pool at 10 o’clock at night – you will not like the footage that comes back. And by the way, did NOT see that as a video that would be possible 10-years ago.

Don’t forget, Arthop is Thursday:

It’s exciting seeing all the creativeness going on in the video space in Fresno. I’ll keep watching if you keep making stuff.

The Beer That Should Be Served In Fresno Movie Theaters

Tioga taps via WhoseCraft.com
Tioga taps via WhoseCraft.com

So I hear that beer is coming to some Fresno area theaters. Yeah I know, Tower Theatre has had it all along during festivals and monthly films, but it’s not your everyday theater. This is different.

This is megaplex beer. A beer you can have while watching a Marvel, DC or Star Wars movie. That sounds pretty damn rad to me.

If things go as planned, Fresno’s Manchester and Clovis’s Sierra Vista, will be serving beer (and wine too but, whatev) starting in August or September.

Since I am part of a craft beer show, I feel a beer obligation, a ‘beerglation’ if you will, to help out with the tap-list. I assume they will have draft beer served in plastic cups of some sort.

Here is what I think the tap list should be and I’m choosing ALL LOCAL, baby! Because #drinklocal. I am going to guess and say there will be ten taps, so I picked ten.

This is not MY dream list, but the most accessable list matching with the best local beer.

REGAL MANCHESTER 16 CENTER TAP LIST
  • 99 Golden AleTioga Sequoia Brewing. This is the kind of beer every beer drinker can enjoy on one level or another. The most universal you can put on tap. It’s a BEER.
  • Bog Man BrownHouse Of Pendragon Brewing. Browns don’t get enough attention, which is odd since most people are OK with them. There needs to be one on tap.
  • Hard Root BeerRiley’s Brewing. If you like your sodas hard, this one is that, plus it’s super tasty.
  • Mt. Whitney Extra Pale Ale – Tioga Sequoia. Best pale in town (if you like them on the hoppy side) and won’t get ya to messed up – aka: you can drink more.
  • Pacific PorterPine & Palm Brewing. Fresno’s newest brewer and showing a lot of potential. This one is getting good buzz too.
  • Tenaya RedSouthgate Brewing. Everything is super nice from these guys, this red is no exception.
  • Lancelot IPA – House Of Pendragon Brewing. At times it is the best IPA in the Valley, hands down.
  • Blonde BomberTactical Ops Brewing. Everybody loves blondes, yeah?
  • Hobo PilsnerDust Bowl Brewing. Excellent pilsner and it’s another universal beer that would sell well.
  • Slauncher Imperial IPAKaweah Brewing. You gotta have at least one beer that’s going to kick ya hard… plus I have yet (I hear it’s pretty damn tasty) to try it and I just want to have it available in town somewhere.

Is this realistic? No. It’s probably going to be Bud Light and Shock Top or something with similar crapness. But a dude can hope.

LETS NOT EFF THIS UP, GUYS

Hopefully, no matter what beer it is, this brings Fresno one step closer to getting one of those kick-ass Alamo Drafthouses:

Pretty rad. They do have about 22 of those Alamo places spread out through the Southwest and one in SF, so it’s a possibility for Fresno.

We must mind our manners though and show people, like Alamo Drafthouse, that we deserve good beer in our movie theaters. Do you think we can do that, kids?

Let me know what beer you would want to have “on” in a movie theater or if you think Fresno can handle beer & wine at the movies! Leave a comment or Tweet me – @thefresnan.

(photo cred: WhoseCraft.com)